Are my eyes popping out of my head??

Friday was the big day! I was so excited I could barely sleep the night before in anticipation; I was like a five year old waiting for the first day of school to finally arrive. I couldn't wait to learn about what I will be doing this year, meet the professors I have only had email correspondence with up tot his point, and learn which other students I will be sharing this journey with. 

The first meeting with all Graduate students went well. I met the Head of the English Department and some of my fellow students, but most of all I felt confident. Then came the meeting for Graduate Assistants...now there were far fewer of us in the room and the meeting took on a more business tone; however, I still felt fairly confident at the end of this meeting. A group of us made our way across campus to where our departmental meeting was going to be held...we got there an hour early. 

While waiting in the Inkwell (I love that it is named that) we were all discussing which classes we would be taking and what they had heard about certain professor's teaching styles. Soon people began to trickle in and the food arrived and we all feasted on barbecue and blackberry cobbler. It was around this time when we began making introduction that my confidence began to dwindle...the highlight from the summer for most everyone in the room was reading books. My highlight was travelling to St. Martin and enjoying the ocean, culture and food...don't get me wrong I read lots of books over the summer and enjoyed them immensely, but the travelling was more invigorating for me personally. This is about when I started to question if I fit in...

After lunch the professors left so all the graduate students could get to know one another and it gave the incoming students a chance to ask questions. It was when a male student mentioned that typically you have a nervous/mental breakdown five times a semester (that's more than once a month!!) and every student in the room just nodded in agreement. The pressure behind my eyes began to build at the time. They began discussing reading notes and different professor's expectations (4-6 pages seems to be typical for a weeks reading) and they continued to bounce through topic after topic...I removed the sunglasses that were acting as a headband; the pressure had become too much. After this hour of over stimulating discussion I was beginning to sweat. I'm not sure if the room was just incredibly hot or if my nerves were working overtime.

Next came the time for the new students to sit with the professors and discuss expectations and other pertinent matters such as conferences and submitting work and presenting at a variety of academic conferences. The idea of presenting at a conference is terrifying!! I have trouble introducing myself to people without getting an adrenaline rush that starts the racing heart and sweaty palms! I started trying to loosen my curls hoping that releasing them from the mousse's grasp would somehow help ease my eyeballs back into my head. Then the topic of reading came up. Of course I expect to read assignments for class so you are prepared and don't fall behind, but I wasn't expecting the casual mention of having 700-1000 pages of reading a week. My poor eyes!! Now after creating a frizzy mess on my head I was rubbing my eyes smearing the mascara and eyeliner around...was it just me or was the room an actually sauna? 

Upon the completion of all these informative meetings I made my way to the student center with my head hung low while my mind was racing over everything I had just learned questioning if I can do this? and can I succeed doing this? I made my way down to the basement to buy a few final books for class and while waiting in line I lifted up my head. I recognized the guy standing next to me, a fellow incoming English graduate student!! He looked sweaty and beaten down...maybe I wasn't the only one who thought the room was hot...and maybe just maybe his eye's felt like they were going to pop out of his head too. So I asked him how his eye's felt because that is a totally normal thing to ask a new acquaintance right? To my surprise he said "It felt like they were coming out of my head more and more as the meetings progressed, and now I feel exhausted." Relief washed over me like cool water after a run...I wasn't the only one overwhelmed and scared. I was called to the next check out and as I walked away the room temperature dropped giving me a shiver and I finally felt the release of pressure behind my eyes as they sank back into my skull...I was going to be ok.