Goodbye 23

Every year I have a ritual that on my birthday and my friend’s birthdays I ask the questions: what was the best part of this past year, and what do you hope to accomplish in the next year. For me twenty three was a difficult year. It was filled with lots of ups and downs. I faced heartbreak too many times, had dear friend’s lives cut short, uprooted my life and moved to the middle of nowhere…twice! Pushed myself to the intellectual, physical, and emotional breaking points by going back to school to pursue my Master’s, running in and completing the Houston Marathon, and by moving to two new places where I didn’t know a single person…or even the language in my most recent move. Despite all the challenges that twenty-three has brought on I am grateful for each and every one, yet I do hope I don’t have to go through some of them again. I tried to learn my lesson from them the first time (that they happened this year…) With a year filled with hardships it has also been filled amazing blessings. I have made some amazing new friends through all the moving and travelling that I have done. I have wonderful roommates who both have amazing dogs, I have some of the best fellow graduate students in my program who share in the struggles and triumphs of academia, and I have met people in all corners of the world while travelling the globe who inspire and encourage me.

The best part of my year is very difficult to decide on because it has been filled with insurmountable moments of joy and accomplishment. However, the best part of this year had to be the opportunities I took to travel and the airport arrivals. The moment when I landed in Panama City and was greeted with a huge hug by my best friend. The moment when I stood in customs in Mexico City in the middle of the night hoping someone was waiting outside to pick me up, and the relief of seeing that UT sweatshirt. The moment when I rode with the window down in a taxi feeling the sea breeze in Puerto Vallarta. The moment I anxiously got off a plane in Mexico and took a chance. The moment I decided to take on Paris for a day. The moment I met my friend from Panama in Budapest and made the world feel small for the first time. This year I fell in love with airport arrival gates and the joy that they have brought me.

This next year I will accomplish many of my goals that I have been working towards for some time. I will graduate with my Master’s in English. I will have finished my memoir. I will move…again…to who knows where this time, all I know is there will be a beach nearby! I will travel somewhere…anywhere I can and as often as I can. But what I hope to accomplish isn’t a bucket list item or something I can put on my resume; it is bigger than that to me. It is a perspective change. It is to love myself and send as much love into the world as I can. To think of others first more often. To give and expect nothing in return. To laugh until I cry more. To give up control and just trust in life’s direction. To worry less. To be open and honest. To forgive. And the concluding item…to continue to grow.

Goodbye 23. 

At the summit of Vulcan Baru in Panama

Mexico City shenanigans with the the bestie!

Most beautiful beach I have ever visited. Yalapa, Mexico

Don'y be mad mom...

Tequila tasting in Tequila, Mexico

Castles in Budapest

Galata Tower in Istanbul with new friends.

Hello 24!

Running, Jumping, or Flying?

I have been in Viscri, Romania for two months now and I only have a month left, so many people have begun to ask me how I like it here, if I am excited to go home, and will I miss it…and my answers have changed drastically over the past few months to these rather typical questions.

I will not lie. My transition to Romania and Viscri wasn’t exactly smooth. I had a very rough time in my first few weeks here; however, as the time has passed I have found myself growing quite attached to the village I am calling my home for now.

I have met some of the hardest working women who have the biggest hearts in the world, and I cherish that I have encountered them.

I have had the opportunity to teach some of the village children English, and it is an incredible sight to see a dozen children running to greet you at the gate of the courtyard where you are holding class or walking out of your door and seeing them sitting there waiting for you smiling and in unison shouting “Hello!” and “Good morning!” The excitement and gratitude that they have to learn is astounding in comparison with what I have experienced in America.

I am so grateful to work with a fellow writer, Avrina, who will talk for hours with me about things ranging from theory and politics to dating and travelling, and dance til the sun rises with me when we are able to break free of the village life and find ourselves in a city. Seriously don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t come to Viscri.

I am going to miss all of these things.

I have been forced to grow personally, which is a huge blessing and I am going to miss being faced with some of the challenges that have encouraged that. For instance, I have become more in touch with nature, and certainly less jumpy. I have faced some of my biggest fears in the wilderness in Romania. My fear of bears and other deadly animals. My fear of heights while hiking and climbing in the Apuseni Mountains. My fear of dark, confined spaces while spelunking in a cave with a magnificent river running through it. My fear of bugs…me and the bees, flies, and spiders are becoming one…slowly. And my phobia of cats since apparently the cat that lives at the house I do has taken a liking to me and my room…

But most notably, I am at peace with the silence now. I am alright spending a day in thought reflecting on my past, present, and future…and I found that to be one of the most difficult things when I first moved here. Being comfortable being with just myself, spending large quantities of time really getting to know myself, forgiving myself, and learning how to love myself the way I am while still pushing myself to better every day.

The take away from all of this is that I have learned to love Viscri and the challenges it has presented me with, and I am thankful for it making me face some growing pains. I will miss Viscri and Romania, and I will certainly never forget my time here. However, I am excited to go back home and see my friends, family, and my beloved dog! I am ready to finish my last year of graduate school and finish a massive project I have been working on, yet I am terrified of the great nothing-ness that looms in the coming May, when I will have the entire world at my feet and I have to choose which way to begin walking…or maybe running, jumping, or flying?

So now onto the last month of my time in Romania, so time to make the most of this!

 

Wildflowers

Before I left for Romania my friend Patrick asked me if I liked flowers and what my favorite one was. A seemingly easy question to be asked; however, I found this question surprisingly difficult to answer, and in the end I think I ended up giving him a vague answer because I didn’t know. I knew I thought flowers were pretty, but the only ones I had encountered were in the florist section of the grocery store or wildflowers in fields through the windows of my truck. All of which seemed distant in some strange way. The flowers in the store were too perfect; they had been groomed to be cut and arranged into something given as a gift from a loved one or as a manner of saying “I’m sorry”, while the bountiful fields of wildflowers were fenced off in abandoned lands next to the highways criss-crossing their way across the state of Texas. 

For some reason this question and concept stuck with me….what was my favorite flower? Do I even like flowers? Why do I find them appealing? Is it the color, the delicacy, the scent…

As I arrived in Viscri, Romania I was overwhelmed by how green everything is. I couldn’t get enough of the rolling hills and forest surrounding this tiny village in the heart of Transylvania. Weeks passed and the green fields began to fill with millions of wildflowers and dozens of botanists and painters flocked to the area to study the rare flowers and paint them. And yet I still wasn’t so sure what all the fuss was about flowers, so one afternoon I went out into the fields to pick some. I picked tiny, delicate flowers that were white, light pink, and light purple. Their fragrance was sweet and small, but when I sat in a field surrounded by millions of their kind overlooking Visrci I became overwhelmed with the sweet scent floating in the wind and the swaying flowers soaking up the mild sun’s warmth. I did love flowers! As I grew more comfortable in my surrounding and nature I began running off the trails and over hills that enticed me, which allowed me to discover more and more fields of untouched flowers. Throughout the passing weeks I became more involved in events occurring in the Romanian countryside, such as the Transylvanian Bear Marathon and Ultra-marathon, and this allowed me to venture further outside of Viscri and see even more magnificent landscapes. One of the most memorable was a field outside of Mesendorf where the grass was as tall as me; it was buzzing with bees collecting pollen. I just sat there and took in the experience of complete sensory overload. It was exquisite. 

Now June has come to a close and the fields are being mowed one by one for hay, and with each one harvested the flowers are beginning to disappear, so I sit here in one of the untouched fields taking in the fading beauty. I am grateful that I got to witness a season of flowers in Romania watching them change from delicate, pastel flowers to hearty, robust flowers rich in deep colors and fragrance. This opportunity to come and work in Romania has allowed me to figure out how to answer the simply questions that were asked of me a few months ago. “Do you like flowers? Which one is your favorite?” I do indeed love flowers, and I particularly love wildflowers. The flowers that mix in no particular order blending colors that shouldn’t go together in perfect harmony. The flowers that the Gypsies harvest to dry and make tea from. The flowers that only I got to see and twirl around in circles while singing at the top of my lungs. The flowers at the tops of hills where I would run to just because I could. The flowers I did yoga among. The flowers I picked, and the ones I left because they were too beautiful to die. The flowers I would brush against my hands while running so I could bring their scent closer to my nose. The flowers that helped me learn that it is ok to be completely myself again; spreading all the colors of my personality out into the world. That it is alright that some people will not like me, but what is most important is if I love myself. So maybe I aim to be like  a wildflower…

Running with Bears

For the past thirteen years I have had a love-hate relationship with running. I love the satisfaction that it brings me when I accomplish milestones (quite literally sometimes) and when I feel completely worn out, both physically and mentally. I love that it is time for me to think, not think, or a perfect combination of the two. I hate the pain in the moments where my muscles feel like they are about to burst through my skin, but then again I enjoy pushing myself to that point. I hate getting lost frequently when trying a new route, but sometimes getting lost is just what I need to meet interesting people or find secret places. I hate getting covered in dirt and mud, but I love taking a good shower afterwards. I hate the injuries, but love the renewed passion I have for running when I am healed. The list of things that I love and hate about the sport that has become such a prominent part of my goes on and on.

Since I have arrived in Viscri, Romania I have spent a good portion of my time outdoors, which is natural when you are living in an area that is as close as I have come to unspoiled nature. I am lucky to be minutes away from the forest which is filled with kilometers of mountain biking trails that I use for my running pleasure. There are also the dirt roads that run through the rolling hills if I am in the mood for a more relaxed run. It really is the perfect place for a former cross country runner to spend her time training. Many days I don’t get a chance to run until around noon, so I opt for the shade of the forest. Running in the forest comes with many challenges: the steep inclines and declines, sharp twists and turns in the trail, debris on the trail after afternoon thunderstorms, and wildlife. The first three obstacles I am very accustom to navigating; however, the last one I am not. I was actually terrified at the idea of running in the forest by myself when I heard that brown bears and wolves live within them and that the shepherd dogs are almost as bad as either of the previously mentioned animals that might come across my path. I had heard that the main thing you should avoid doing was startling a big predator and you do this by announcing yourself before they or you see one another…how do I do that?! Well I started listening to my music out loud as I run, and when I get to darker regions of the forest where my footfall is muffled by the soft earth I even begin to sing along with the music. Belting out a little Brandi Carlile’s “Raise Hell” or humming along to John Anderson’s “Seminole Wind”; I am bringing a little bit of the South to Eastern Europe.

This technique had been working really well at preventing any bear sighting for me until last Friday, June 19^th when even Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” failed me. I know how ironic the song is, but how can you forget which song is playing when you see a bear run right in front of you? I stopped immediately as the brown fluff ball bounded past me on the trail and headed further into the forest, and I focused on its rather voluptuous rear end which bounced up and down as it ran away. I was in shock. I had seen a bear. I quickly turned around and sprinted as fast as I could in the other direction, desperately wanting to evacuate that section of the forest. I could feel my heart beating against my ribs and felt every fiber of muscle in my calves as I ran past a group of older hikers who were taking a break looking at the plants. “Did you see a bear?” One of the men asked me as I ran past. I just nodded in response and kept going, while they turned in excitement in the direction I had just come from.  

Ironically, I had gone bear watching the evening before and didn’t encounter any bears…

View of Viscri's Fortified Church from the hills surrounding it. Another selfie taken while running of course!

The canopy of the forest is so dense and green that it is actually quite dark the further you get in. 

Where I went bear watching. No bears were encountered that time...but it was beautiful to be there!

Changing Playlist

I press shuffle and an eclectic mix of melodies and rhythms reverberate throughout the air. From Linkin Park to Eisley to Ingrid Michaelson to REM.

I have always listened to music constantly. I am one of those girls who walks around with her headphones in, tuning out the world, focusing on the lyrics trying to find meaning and truth behind their words. However, when I moved to Romania I removed the headphones and started letting the music resonate in the air and world around me. I allowed it to become a part of the nature I am surrounded in.

There are numerous reasons as to why I started listening to my music out loud. The primary one being that I spend a significant time running in the forest and I do not want to startle the bigger animals aka brown bears by running up on them, so I play my music loud and sometimes even sing along to let them know I am coming. After doing this for a few times I started noticing that I heard the music differently than before; it became a way for me to hear English out loud and to interact with my native language by singing. Surprisingly, this little act of singing in the forest while running or hiking has brought me so much joy, a sense of complete freedom I hadn’t experienced before because I knew that the forest was mine in that moment. It made me feel tiny and huge all at once.

The main change is the meaning behind my favorite songs. I have gained a whole new playlist without changing a single song by finding new meaning in the words I thought I knew so well. Previously the majority of songs I listened to took on a meaning surrounding romantic love in some sense, but now I’ve noticed a deeper layer of meaning in these same songs. Many songs are a commentary on the loneliness that humans experience on a daily basis no matter what the situation it. We can be surrounded by family and friends or completely alone in the middle of a forest, and we will still long for connection and understanding and that is what makes music so powerful. It is a way for us to realize we are not alone in our desire for connection and never will be. No matter how strong we are; we are still fragile, and that is where the beauty in life lies.

**My current anthem for the past year is The National’s England. I suggest that you give it a listen if you haven’t already heard it; it is fantastic and so are its lyrics.

Someone send a runner

Through the feeling that I’m under

For the feeling that I lost today

Someone send a runner

For the feeling that I lost today

Someone send a runner

Through the feeling that I’m under

For the feeling that I lost today

Someone send a runner

For the feeling that I lost today

You must be somewhere in London

You must be loving your life in the rain

You must be somewhere in London

Walking Abbey Lane

I don’t even think to make

I don’t even think to make

I don’t even think to make

I don’t even think to make corrections

Famous angel never come through England

England gets the ones you never need

I’m in a Los Angeles cathedral

Minor singing airheads sing for me

Put an ocean and a river

Between everybody else

Between everything, yourself, and home

Put and ocean and a river

Between everything, yourself, and home

You must be somewhere in London

You must be loving your life in the rain

You must be somewhere in London

Walking Abbey Lane

I don’t even think to make

I don’t even think to make

I don’t even think to make

I don’t even think to make corrections

Famous angel never come through England

England gets the ones you never need

I’m in a Los Angeles cathedral

Minor singing airheads sing for me

Afraid of the house, stay the night with the sinners

Afraid of the house, stay the night with the sinners

Afraid of the house, ‘cause they’re desperate to entertain’

The Truth Behind “You’re so lucky!”

This phrase has been repeated to me hundreds of times throughout the past three weeks, and I agree. I am very lucky to have the opportunity to live and work in Romania this summer! However, after being away from the U.S. for three weeks now the struggle is still very real and the simplest tasks are monumental and exhausting.

Laundry…I have to plan to wash my clothes days in advance and hope for good weather so that maybe they will dry by the time I need them. Not to mention figuring out which bottles contain bleach, detergent, and fabric softener in a room without internet. Bring along the Romanian/English dictionary!

The store…or getting anywhere outside of the village. This is a real doozy. There is no store in the town I live in or even the next, which means if you need something once again plan in advance.

Step 1: Find out who is driving into town in the near future.

Step 2: Contact said person and try to communicate with them or find someone who can.

Step 3: See if they can pick up something for you or better yet if they have room for you to come along! (Last time I was squished in the back with a bicycle and groceries to get back to Viscri, while two guys I didn’t know sat in the front, but they had been vouched for by someone I knew so that counts for not getting in a car with strangers right?)

Step 4: Figure out what you are trying to buy. (Once again bring along your dictionary, currency converter, and patience. You can do this!)

Step 5: Hope you are getting the right thing because you only have one shot!

Communicating…I moved here without knowing a single word of Romanian, which is definitely my own fault, and is a constant source of frustration for me as many people here do not speak very much English, if any at all. In the village of less than 200 people there are multiple languages spoken by its residents, and only a handful actually speak English. There is Romanian, Romani (what the gypsies speak), and the Transylvanian Saxon families speak something similar to German. Pretty neat right? Except that I speak none of these languages…but I am working diligently on figuring out Romanian! If only I could stop pronouncing the words as if I was speaking Spanish…too many foreign languages at one time.

Conversation…This is the main problem plaguing me. I constantly feel like a burden trying to get my point across because it takes so long, and normally I leave the interaction confused or frustrated. Also, I have no one to talk to. No one to talk to about anything going on around me or what I am thinking, so I am definitely not hitting my 20, 000 words a day, I feel lucky if I hit even 1000. I am starving from lack of conversation! And when I get the opportunity to talk to people from back home, which is rare due to the enormous time difference, I word vomit all over them about anything and everything just enjoying the sensation of using my vocal chords. Not the best way to keep friends, that’s for sure. So to all I have done this to, I am profoundly sorry; I really am trying to be less dependent on y’all, but thank you to everyone who has taken anytime to talk to me (or listen), I do really appreciate it!

At the end of the day, I am still very grateful to be here and have this opportunity to learn so much about a different way of life and myself simultaneously. I guess I am just experiencing some growing pains. 

On My Way To Transylvania Romania

Quick update on something big happening in only 10 days! This summer I will be moving to Romania! I will be living and working in the small town of Viscri, Romania, in the heart of Transylvania Romania (maybe I’ll meet Dracula!), the site of a fortified wall and church which is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It will be like stepping back in time! I will be living there for three months doing a myriad of activities from writing, touring the town and discovering everything it has to offer, and teaching English to the children of the family that has graciously allowed me to stay in their guest house. I am extremely excited to experience a culture so far removed from mine and learn from the people I have yet to meet! Although accompanying all that excitement is a lot of nerves about overcoming the language barrier, discovering food that I like, and missing my family, my precious dog Tuxedo, and my friends. In the end this is my dream: to travel, work, and write! And if your dreams do not scare you then they are not big enough. In closing I will leave you with a quote I discovered while reading that has become almost a personal mantra of mine in the past year.

“Fear begets fear. Power begets power. I willed myself to beget power. And it wasn’t long before I actually wasn’t afraid.” –Cheryl Strayed, Wild