Goodbye 23

Every year I have a ritual that on my birthday and my friend’s birthdays I ask the questions: what was the best part of this past year, and what do you hope to accomplish in the next year. For me twenty three was a difficult year. It was filled with lots of ups and downs. I faced heartbreak too many times, had dear friend’s lives cut short, uprooted my life and moved to the middle of nowhere…twice! Pushed myself to the intellectual, physical, and emotional breaking points by going back to school to pursue my Master’s, running in and completing the Houston Marathon, and by moving to two new places where I didn’t know a single person…or even the language in my most recent move. Despite all the challenges that twenty-three has brought on I am grateful for each and every one, yet I do hope I don’t have to go through some of them again. I tried to learn my lesson from them the first time (that they happened this year…) With a year filled with hardships it has also been filled amazing blessings. I have made some amazing new friends through all the moving and travelling that I have done. I have wonderful roommates who both have amazing dogs, I have some of the best fellow graduate students in my program who share in the struggles and triumphs of academia, and I have met people in all corners of the world while travelling the globe who inspire and encourage me.

The best part of my year is very difficult to decide on because it has been filled with insurmountable moments of joy and accomplishment. However, the best part of this year had to be the opportunities I took to travel and the airport arrivals. The moment when I landed in Panama City and was greeted with a huge hug by my best friend. The moment when I stood in customs in Mexico City in the middle of the night hoping someone was waiting outside to pick me up, and the relief of seeing that UT sweatshirt. The moment when I rode with the window down in a taxi feeling the sea breeze in Puerto Vallarta. The moment I anxiously got off a plane in Mexico and took a chance. The moment I decided to take on Paris for a day. The moment I met my friend from Panama in Budapest and made the world feel small for the first time. This year I fell in love with airport arrival gates and the joy that they have brought me.

This next year I will accomplish many of my goals that I have been working towards for some time. I will graduate with my Master’s in English. I will have finished my memoir. I will move…again…to who knows where this time, all I know is there will be a beach nearby! I will travel somewhere…anywhere I can and as often as I can. But what I hope to accomplish isn’t a bucket list item or something I can put on my resume; it is bigger than that to me. It is a perspective change. It is to love myself and send as much love into the world as I can. To think of others first more often. To give and expect nothing in return. To laugh until I cry more. To give up control and just trust in life’s direction. To worry less. To be open and honest. To forgive. And the concluding item…to continue to grow.

Goodbye 23. 

At the summit of Vulcan Baru in Panama

Mexico City shenanigans with the the bestie!

Most beautiful beach I have ever visited. Yalapa, Mexico

Don'y be mad mom...

Tequila tasting in Tequila, Mexico

Castles in Budapest

Galata Tower in Istanbul with new friends.

Hello 24!

Running, Jumping, or Flying?

I have been in Viscri, Romania for two months now and I only have a month left, so many people have begun to ask me how I like it here, if I am excited to go home, and will I miss it…and my answers have changed drastically over the past few months to these rather typical questions.

I will not lie. My transition to Romania and Viscri wasn’t exactly smooth. I had a very rough time in my first few weeks here; however, as the time has passed I have found myself growing quite attached to the village I am calling my home for now.

I have met some of the hardest working women who have the biggest hearts in the world, and I cherish that I have encountered them.

I have had the opportunity to teach some of the village children English, and it is an incredible sight to see a dozen children running to greet you at the gate of the courtyard where you are holding class or walking out of your door and seeing them sitting there waiting for you smiling and in unison shouting “Hello!” and “Good morning!” The excitement and gratitude that they have to learn is astounding in comparison with what I have experienced in America.

I am so grateful to work with a fellow writer, Avrina, who will talk for hours with me about things ranging from theory and politics to dating and travelling, and dance til the sun rises with me when we are able to break free of the village life and find ourselves in a city. Seriously don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t come to Viscri.

I am going to miss all of these things.

I have been forced to grow personally, which is a huge blessing and I am going to miss being faced with some of the challenges that have encouraged that. For instance, I have become more in touch with nature, and certainly less jumpy. I have faced some of my biggest fears in the wilderness in Romania. My fear of bears and other deadly animals. My fear of heights while hiking and climbing in the Apuseni Mountains. My fear of dark, confined spaces while spelunking in a cave with a magnificent river running through it. My fear of bugs…me and the bees, flies, and spiders are becoming one…slowly. And my phobia of cats since apparently the cat that lives at the house I do has taken a liking to me and my room…

But most notably, I am at peace with the silence now. I am alright spending a day in thought reflecting on my past, present, and future…and I found that to be one of the most difficult things when I first moved here. Being comfortable being with just myself, spending large quantities of time really getting to know myself, forgiving myself, and learning how to love myself the way I am while still pushing myself to better every day.

The take away from all of this is that I have learned to love Viscri and the challenges it has presented me with, and I am thankful for it making me face some growing pains. I will miss Viscri and Romania, and I will certainly never forget my time here. However, I am excited to go back home and see my friends, family, and my beloved dog! I am ready to finish my last year of graduate school and finish a massive project I have been working on, yet I am terrified of the great nothing-ness that looms in the coming May, when I will have the entire world at my feet and I have to choose which way to begin walking…or maybe running, jumping, or flying?

So now onto the last month of my time in Romania, so time to make the most of this!

 

Wildflowers

Before I left for Romania my friend Patrick asked me if I liked flowers and what my favorite one was. A seemingly easy question to be asked; however, I found this question surprisingly difficult to answer, and in the end I think I ended up giving him a vague answer because I didn’t know. I knew I thought flowers were pretty, but the only ones I had encountered were in the florist section of the grocery store or wildflowers in fields through the windows of my truck. All of which seemed distant in some strange way. The flowers in the store were too perfect; they had been groomed to be cut and arranged into something given as a gift from a loved one or as a manner of saying “I’m sorry”, while the bountiful fields of wildflowers were fenced off in abandoned lands next to the highways criss-crossing their way across the state of Texas. 

For some reason this question and concept stuck with me….what was my favorite flower? Do I even like flowers? Why do I find them appealing? Is it the color, the delicacy, the scent…

As I arrived in Viscri, Romania I was overwhelmed by how green everything is. I couldn’t get enough of the rolling hills and forest surrounding this tiny village in the heart of Transylvania. Weeks passed and the green fields began to fill with millions of wildflowers and dozens of botanists and painters flocked to the area to study the rare flowers and paint them. And yet I still wasn’t so sure what all the fuss was about flowers, so one afternoon I went out into the fields to pick some. I picked tiny, delicate flowers that were white, light pink, and light purple. Their fragrance was sweet and small, but when I sat in a field surrounded by millions of their kind overlooking Visrci I became overwhelmed with the sweet scent floating in the wind and the swaying flowers soaking up the mild sun’s warmth. I did love flowers! As I grew more comfortable in my surrounding and nature I began running off the trails and over hills that enticed me, which allowed me to discover more and more fields of untouched flowers. Throughout the passing weeks I became more involved in events occurring in the Romanian countryside, such as the Transylvanian Bear Marathon and Ultra-marathon, and this allowed me to venture further outside of Viscri and see even more magnificent landscapes. One of the most memorable was a field outside of Mesendorf where the grass was as tall as me; it was buzzing with bees collecting pollen. I just sat there and took in the experience of complete sensory overload. It was exquisite. 

Now June has come to a close and the fields are being mowed one by one for hay, and with each one harvested the flowers are beginning to disappear, so I sit here in one of the untouched fields taking in the fading beauty. I am grateful that I got to witness a season of flowers in Romania watching them change from delicate, pastel flowers to hearty, robust flowers rich in deep colors and fragrance. This opportunity to come and work in Romania has allowed me to figure out how to answer the simply questions that were asked of me a few months ago. “Do you like flowers? Which one is your favorite?” I do indeed love flowers, and I particularly love wildflowers. The flowers that mix in no particular order blending colors that shouldn’t go together in perfect harmony. The flowers that the Gypsies harvest to dry and make tea from. The flowers that only I got to see and twirl around in circles while singing at the top of my lungs. The flowers at the tops of hills where I would run to just because I could. The flowers I did yoga among. The flowers I picked, and the ones I left because they were too beautiful to die. The flowers I would brush against my hands while running so I could bring their scent closer to my nose. The flowers that helped me learn that it is ok to be completely myself again; spreading all the colors of my personality out into the world. That it is alright that some people will not like me, but what is most important is if I love myself. So maybe I aim to be like  a wildflower…